There Are Some things In Life We Just Have To Deal With

Leaving Lost

Interview by L. Valena

November 15, 2022

Can you start by describing the prompt that you responded to?

It was a visual art piece. It had a lot of bright, contrasting colors, and chaos. Superimposed drawings of people and facial expressions, and what looked like pills and stuff.

And what was your first reaction to it?

It made me think of psych medications, and the process of treating mental health, and the chaos that comes along with that experience. That was the first thing I thought of.

What happened from there?

I did some writing to brainstorm, and settled on this idea of trying to express in an instrumental way that journey of figuring out that there's something wrong, and figuring out how to deal with it. In the dark ages of the late 90's, before Google. After that, I messed around on the guitar and found some chords that I liked, and did all of the instrumental stuff. Then later I came back and wrote lyrics that I liked well enough.

Is that something that you're pulling from your own experience?

Yeah. As a teenager and in my early 20's, I went through a lot of bullshit trying to get some anxiety stuff dealt with. The title is from something a doctor once said to me regarding panic attacks: "There are some things in life we just have to deal with." Which was unbelievably crappy. Even at the time I knew that, but I was fifteen, and was like, "Well I guess that's that." I didn't end up pursuing it again until my early 20's, and the ensuing years were really awful. In a way, this is trying to find some way to document that whole miserable experience.

I'm so sorry you went through that. How gaslighty. When you tell your doctor you're having a problem, and they just tell you that it's not a problem.

I had a different doctor around the same time say to my mom, in front of me, "I think this is made up." So yeah. I think things are better now, but that's how they were in the 90's. Now at least we have Google, so you can kind of figure out what's going on yourself a little bit first, and figure out how to describe it to other people.

So you did some writing, then you found the chords, then you wrote the lyrics. Is that usually how your process goes?

It kind of varies. Sometimes it's lyrics first, then music. Sometimes it’s music first, then lyrics. I had written lyrics initially that were much more optimistic, but then I really wasn't feeling it. I ended up completely scrapping it and going back to the beginning and doing this more pessimistic situation. A lot of the time lyrics happen organically in a way that I don't entirely understand. This worked out pretty well, but sometimes I don't know where it comes from.

That's the best stuff, right? The stuff that just sort of comes through? As creative people, I sometimes feel like that's our entire job: just allow that stuff to come through. And it's so weird.

Yeah, it's a super weird experience. It's like you're channeling something that's coming from you, but only in a way. It's coming from somewhere else too.

Exactly. Have you written other music about your mental health journey? Is that something you've dug into in the past?

Somewhat, yeah. I've tried to write some stuff about having depression and anxiety. It kind of weaves its way into other things too. I don't think I've ever tried to write something this specific about it, but it kind of weasels its way into other things. It's kind of the overarching cloud, which is much better managed now, but is always there in the background, waiting. And realizing that's not normal, and maybe I should do something about this. Figuring out that not everyone is playing on hard mode all the time. Some people are able to just be in the world and it's not terrifying. But then getting that reaction from a doctor about, like, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps. Yeah, it's been a journey.

It looks like you have some very beautiful pedals and stuff that you're working with. Can you talk to me a bit more about your musical process?

Yeah! I got more into pedals during the pandemic, because I was home and bored like everyone else. I started playing around with adding effects to stuff. I started out many years ago just playing acoustic, but realized it wasn't really what I wanted to listen to. I wanted to create something I would actually want to listen to. So I've got a small selection of pedals. I run Linux as my operating system, because I'm a crazy person, and I have an open-source program called Audacity that I use to record. It's challenging, but it's also free. This isn't my job, this is just something I do in my spare time, so it's nice to not have to pay a software company to be able to do something I just enjoy but doesn't make any money.

I also have some of my friends' gear that I've ended up with. It's kind of communal gear: "Hey, can I have that?" "Sure." "Once I'm done with this thing, you can have it back." So I've got some drums, mic stands, and other instruments from them. It's been nice to not have to worry about the financial investment of a lot of this stuff, and just be able to borrow it from this community of people.

That's wonderful. Did that just happen organically?

Yeah. I have some friends that I've had since high school that all do different creative stuff, and a bunch of it has been music or audio. We used to live in an apartment together, but once we split we kind of split up the music gear. It just sort of shuffles around to different places, and whoever needs it takes it.

Cool. I feel like there's very little of that happening in the world. It seems pretty special.

Yeah, it's worked out really well.

Do you want to talk more about the lyrics?

Yes. "If I sing, maybe this pain will stop. If I try, will it just make the ache worse? If I try, am I just setting myself up for hurt? If I can't feel, am I even real?" I don't know if other people do this, but I feel the need to create a cohesive narrative of my life. These are the crappy things that happened, and then there has to be a reason for it, something grander to make it worth it. That's what writing music is to me. When you're in that really crappy dark place, it can feel like if you can't enjoy the good things, what's the point of doing anything at all? It's tough to drag yourself out of that, but then once you get out of it, trying to make something out of that experience feels valuable.

Is there anything else we haven't talked about yet?

I was worried about how I was going to respond to something visual with audio. I was concerned about it, but it was easier than I thought it would be. When I had an idea, I just decided to go with it, and not try to overthink it too much. That was why I sat down and just typed out a whole bunch of ideas and stuff, and then picked through it and found stuff I wanted to keep. Having a deadline helped a lot. I can tweak something forever and never do anything with it, but since there was a time limit I just had to finish it.

Do you have any advice for another artist approaching this project for the first time?

Just listen to the first ideas that come to mind, and try to explore that. Don't think too hard about it or get too bogged down about whether or not it makes sense. Trust your intuition and the first things that come to mind, and let yourself go with that.

Call Number: M61VA | M63MU.leaThe

leaving lost is Jaq Dunham. They write a lot of songs, knit a lot of hats, walk dogs, drink too much coffee, and watch a possibly unhealthy amount of Star Trek. They live in Fitchburg, MA with their partner, two giant fluffy cats, and a lot of miscellaneous music gear. You can find them online at leavinglost.bandcamp.com and on Instagram @leavinglost.