36 Mg

FemTotale

Interview by L. Valena

November 1, 2022

Can you start by describing the prompt that you responded to?

The prompt that I responded to was a piece of art with two people, and it said something about expressing your shame. Share your shame, share your story.

What were your first thoughts/reactions to the prompt?

When I first saw it, I thought it was pretty intense. But we're doing art, right? We're about to get deep. I wasn't sure if I wanted to draw from a current experience that was associated with shame, or a past experience. Or maybe an overall societal concept of shame, because we all know that shame is a big part of a lot of facets of our society.

I decided to do a combination of a personal experience that I had, as well as a larger issue. I decided to make the piece about medicating children at an early age. I think it's a very complicated and controversial issue. I believe that we medicate children at such a young age, depending on what they're being medicated for. Maybe it's because of frustration on the parent end because of behavioral issues or they're somehow trying to fix a problem, perhaps because the child is deviating from behavioral norms.

Here's the reason I wanted to do this piece connecting that experience with shame: when you medicate a child at a young age, it's so confusing and complicated in terms of self-acceptance. The child may not think they're good enough as they are, and that they need to change, and I think that can leave long-lasting effects on a person.

Is this related to your own experience?

For sure. I grew up in a split home. My mom was in California and my dad was in Hawai'i. They divorced at a very young age. No complaints on the locations, it could have been a lot worse! They split up when I was one, and my mom was still pregnant with my sister. We grew up going back and forth between the islands, and the suburbs outside of San Francisco. I developed ADHD. Between you and me, I'm not sure I have ADHD. I believe when they're not in a very stable environment, children can act out in certain ways. Behavior can show what's happening internally. In terms of medicating at a young age, this piece reflects a lot of my journey in terms of understanding my identity and sense of love. Being medicated when my behaviors were a reflection of the pain I felt inside created a lot of inner conflict for me.

I think it was somewhat of a revolving cycle. I was feeling pain internally, and my behavior was a reflection of that, but then those behaviors were then classified into a diagnosis. And then the solution for that diagnosis was medication, instead of healing or hearing me first. These behaviors, which were attached to my emotions, became associated with shame, and the idea of not being okay. They became negative. I didn't develop a healthy association with expressing harder emotions, and so then they were bad. They weren't just what they were, as a result of what was happening. So then, shame did what shame does for everything: it shuts it out, hides it inside, buries deeper, and creates a heavy weight within you. And you don't even know that it's there. Then it filters into other things, like coping mechanisms. It causes you to get farther and farther from yourself, which is so sad and so hard. Sometimes it's not anybody's fault. We're all kind of out here trying to do our best.

Right, but that doesn't change the fact that it sucks.

Totally! And also that I'd maybe do it differently now. I've been adopting this ideology where I don't necessarily have to fully forgive what happened, either. I've also had this obsession lately with this other spiritual aspect of me that felt like my deeper sense of femininity and softness was really wounded. That part of me that was connected with my emotions. And that was a big part of the shame that I was holding onto.

Can you tell me about how you have brought these feelings into this piece?

My style is kind of chunky, and feels kind of thrown together. In a lot of the work that I do, I like to exercise a sense of polarity. Colors that shouldn't really be going together, patterns that might feel uncomfortable together – somehow there's a sense of balance. In this piece, I used those general themes. I kept the background kind of chaotic and murky, because the energy that I felt at such a young age was that chaotic misunderstanding. Not really sure, very murky waters about what was right or wrong. That aspect of shame. On top, I drew little pills. I'm talking about being medicated around the age of five or six. I did a lot of stick figures, and little drawings that allow that childlike essence to come through. I like the balance of the dark, murky, chaotic background with the light, whimsical drawings. Both things can exist, and they did exist, and it was intense.

I think it's so hard to remember that both can be true.

That's what drives a lot of my art. That's my perspective on life, but I see it everywhere. Especially in New York City, you see people with designer handbags next to people who are extremely homeless. It's crazy that both things can exist in this reality. We all depend on our own lived experiences, and some things can feel so extreme, and we're all somewhat trying to find a sense of balance. And sometimes even within that balance, there's a sense of extremes.

In this culture, it's kind of amazing that any of us can be level at all, on any day. The amount of information that we're taking in every day. It's a lot.

Yes! And I think there's a lot of coping mechanisms that come with that. It's so intense. For a lot of people, the question is, how can you not numb? I get it. It's almost counter-culture to not numb. I'm not a huge drinker, but sometimes I'll go out with a group of friends. There's just a certain hour during the night, when you look around and everyone is intoxicated. It just seems nuts. Everyone is under the influence. That's a lived experience. What the fuck? That drive to have a change of consciousness, a change in state of being.

Is there anything else we haven't talked about?

A big part of my brand is about communicating from the female experience. Another thing about getting medicated at a young age is that a lot of the behavioral issues that were happening were seen as male-coded. I grew up really confused, and feeling shame about my emotional reactions in terms of my gender, which was so unfair. Emotion doesn't have a gender.

Do you have any advice for another artist approaching this project for the first time?

It's always great to paint what you feel, but making a more conceptual piece is wonderful and very thought-provoking. Take the opportunity to explore whatever the theme is. Go deep, and if you also uncover something along the way, that's amazing. Let it transform you.

Call Number: M59VA | M61VA.ma

FemTotale is Madeline Martin: In my work, I harness the power of the female experience and explore the human ability to deeply transform oneself. I embarked on my healing journey in 2019 and it is thus the root inspiration for all my collections. My work explores themes around inner shame, identity, and fear - the deeper and often darker sides of the human experience.