I Carry Myself In a Box

Jennie Kelly

Interview by L. Valena

So let’s start from the top— can you first just tell me what you responded to?

When I first saw the painting, I think because of where it’s centered in her body I was thinking about it being very womb-like in some ways. But she’s in this box, and she’s crouching in a way that makes it seem like she doesn’t want to be in that box. Those questions about who’s holding her, and that the palette of that world outside is kind of dark, made me think about what it would feel like to be in a box.

My brother is actually in prison right now, so I think a lot about what it means for him inside. A lot of what he talks about, and I think it’s been true his whole life, is a fear of succeeding. I have it too. “It’s not going to really be my fault if all these other things kept me from doing what I know I’m capable of.” There’s some sort of comfort in knowing that you can’t— that you’re being obstructed. That it’s out of your hands that you’re in the position that you’re in. Then I got to thinking that we all kind of do that . We create our own boxes, essentially.

I had happened to have a tin that I had gotten for Christmas candy, 50% off. I was looking at this box. How could I turn it into a prison? I tried to use a box cutter, but it was too strong . I had to get out my Dremel, and try to make these bars. It did not work out the way I wanted to, but the idea was there, and I started by free writing about it.

I kept finding myself writing these contradictory things . On the one hand, this, but on the other hand, that. If I’m bending the bars, I’ll have this angle, and then that. There’s one side of the thought, and then the other side of the thought. Because each of those sets are pairs of ideas.

Are they like two sides of the same coin?

Exactly. Sentenced to your own thoughts/ pardoned for inaction. Yes, you’re stuck inside, in your own head, but you can also forgive yourself for not taking action because you’re forced to be stuck in your head all day. Examples of that. On the top I laid out ways I was thinking about the ways you can find comfort in being contained, reassurance in being restricted. I was thinking too about how my mom was given three choices. She could be a nurse, a teacher, or a secretary. Faced with three choices, I could be very confident in my choice.

Right, “Well, I hate working with kids, so I guess that narrows it down.”

When there’s more unlimited choices, then choice paralysis happens. In some ways, having some restrictions can feel good, can be reassuring, and can help you move forward. If this person is creating her own box— if you’re building your walls, what does that mean? There’s also something about nobody being able to get in. You have bars that keep you in, but they also keep other people from getting in and hurting you. There’s a lot there.

The actual object didn’t come out that well, and I only had blue spray paint, so that’s why it’s blue. And you can’t see the text very well, because I used a silver sharpie because it’s the only thing I had that would write on it. The execution was not at all what I wanted.

There’s beauty in restriction. That’s such a thing right now because of the pandemic. I know for me, there are so many moments when I can’t have exactly the materials I want, so I have to figure out another way to make whatever I want to make. There’s some beauty in that— another level of McGyvering.

I definitely felt like McGyver. My dog was freaked out when I brought out the dremel, and there’s like sparks flying. He was like, “what are you doing?”

Can you say more about what’s inside the box?

Yes! I found some old Model Magic clay, and I tried to recreate the person sitting. And then I had some feathers, so that’s hair. I tried to mimic the person crouching, but mine was much fatter because it’s made with modeling clay that had been in the garage for like a decade.

I want to dig into some of these themes with you a bit more, because there’s a lot here. What would you like to talk about first?

I guess I’d like to talk a little bit about the ways we protect ourselves, and how that can inhibit us. I think a lot of it is about protecting yourself from hurt. That, “if I never try, then I can’t fail,” kind of idea. And also about letting people in. If you protect yourself from opening yourself up to feelings, then you don’t experience those kinds of pain, but you also don’t experience all of the potential upsides. I think we all kind of do this balance between protection and complete openness. It’s useful to think about it in such concrete terms as physical bars or a physical box. When you think about it that way, it’s a little easier to be more open and say to yourself, “Brain: I understand that you’re saying these things to me because you’re trying to protect me, but I’m going to go ahead and do it anyway.”

It’s such a big deal. It’s something I definitely struggle with myself. Having the courage to be vulnerable can be so difficult— it can really take everything you have.

But it also makes sense that we put ourselves in situations or circumstances that take that choice away from us completely. Thinking more along the lines of my brother. I think that in some ways he kind of messes up on purpose. He struggles a lot with addiction as well, and anytime it seems like maybe he’s getting a handle on it, he gets scared that he’s going to screw up. Or he’s scared that, even if he doesn’t screw up, he’s still not going to make anything good come of anything. So rather than facing the idea that, “even without all these excuses, without drugs in my life, I still have screwed things up, and I’m still screwing up even without all of these outside influences.” He doesn’t want to find out that’s the case. It’s easier to fall back on what you know, and let that become a barrier that isn’t your fault, right? “I can’t do anything about it now.”

I do think that doing this helped me think more about it. Because she’s in a box, that is what first sent me thinking about being incarcerated, being locked up in some way. I thought more about my brother because of that. I took more time to think about his point of view, and maybe why this cycle is happening for him. And partly why addiction might be so hard for him. It’s hard for everyone, but particularly, why in his personality or life, or things that I know about him, make it more challenging. And that has helped our communication, to be honest. It has kind of changed a little bit the way I feel about our interactions when we do talk, and the actions that he’s taken in the past. That’s one beautiful thing about art. I think it has such healing potential, for both the artist and... who knows? Maybe it will help somebody out there to think about their own stuff. “In what ways is my brain locking me up?” I really hope that it does. It’s so cool what can come out of a random, “here, do whatever you want with this.” Thank you for the opportunity to do this.

Oh, thank you! The prompt chooses the artist. So everyone ends up getting the prompt that they need at the moment, but sometimes it’s too much for people. So good for you for wrestling with the big stuff and facing it head on.

I don’t know if I faced it ‘head on’- I think I just sat with it for at least a week, I didn’t touch it until the second week. But I was processing.

How does this relate to your other work?

I don’t do a lot of other work. After kindergarten you stop having forced art. I’ve always loved art, and I’ve loved drawing, but kind of for the same ‘box’ reasons I’ve never really pursued it. “I’m mediocre at it, I’m not great at it.” I’ve tried to be honest with myself to protect myself, realizing that I can’t make a career as an artist because of x, y and z. But I have periodically written. This is obviously a text-heavy piece, and I think I’m more confident in my ability as a writer. Typically I write short stories. This is new, because it’s kind of poetry-ish, and doesn’t really contain a plot or a narrative. I think it was good for me to branch out. I was telling a friend, “I wrote poetry for the first time since my angsty teen years!”

I think it’s tangential, but it’s related because it’s still the written word, but I’m happy to be branching out into more concrete objects. And it was fun, because I got to use power tools, do sculpture, and use random feathers that I found. It was just fun. It was fun to be using things. I think in the past I might have said, “Ah! This isn’t how I pictured it in my head! I give up!” But there’s a deadline, and you just have to do it, so okay. It’s done. Which is awesome. Another friend of mine said, “art is never done, it’s just given up on.” At some point, you could just work on something forever if you don’t just call it a day.

How do you think this might impact your future work? What’s next?

I think I’m done working with tin for awhile. The dremel was fun, but it was hard to be as neat about it as I would have liked. If I was going to kind of get into tin shaping in the future, I might do it differently. I don’t know. This was a baby step away from... it’s still very rooted in the word, but moving more towards sculpture. I hope that I do more of that. I don’t want to stop writing, either. But I’d like to explore some more of the mediums that are out there, and not limit myself so much to the written word. Even though it’s easier, because you don’t have to have tools or supplies, etc. You can do it wherever you are. I think that’s why I’ve stuck with writing even after I sort of stopped doing artsy things. No matter where I was in the world, or what I was doing, I could always find a pen.

I think there’s a really rich intersection between visual art and the written word, which could be a really cool thing to explore more. I’m excited to see what you do! So keep us posted. Do you have any advice for someone else?

I think somewhere in your email you said to just have fun with it. And even though it’s a very heavy topic with lots of weighty themes, I kind of had a ball and made that my focus as opposed to trying to make a genius work of art. I was just like, “I’m just going to have fun.” And even though it didn’t turn out the way I wanted, and there were challenges along the way, even trying to figure it out was fun. The exacto knife and box cutter aren’t cutting it, what else can I try? It was fun to puzzle that out, as opposed to just giving in. I thought maybe I would use yarn for hair, but I didn’t have any yarn that wasn’t bright red. And the feathers were better. So even that was fun. Even though writing it was... I wouldn’t call it fun, but it was important work that was insightful and necessary. So that part was also fun, in that it forced me to do some thinking that was necessary, and allowed me to release those parts of me and thoughts. Both necessary.

Definitely keep that at the forefront when you’re doing it- keep it fun.

What was written on the sides of the box

TOP:

Comfort in containment

Reassurance in restriction

Sanctuary in shackles

Protection in prevention

SIDES:

A

When you are kept from taking risks

There are no limits to your potential success.

Inside, the possibilities are endless

Outside, the consequences are real.

Why does the caged bird sing?

Dreaming of freedom is safer than having it.

B

Easier to face your limitlessness

when you are limited

Perfectly capable,

If this box wasn’t inescapable

Sentenced to your own thoughts

Pardoned for inaction

C

I am conquered

If my world is small enough, I am conqueror

Freedom is not doing whatever you want

It’s doing whatever they want

In here, it’s everyone else’s fault

Out there, I’m to blame

D

Barred from trying

Safe from discovering mediocrity.

If I’m never allowed to be

I can never be wrong

Without these bars

Anyone can get in

Call Number: Y45VA | V46VA.keI

A writer since her 1st grade writing assignment about a whale (and shaped like a whale) became so thick the stapler couldn’t handle it, Jennie Kelly has long been a lover of words and their interactions. Recently, she has been experimenting with the interplay of words and physical objects and spaces, a craft she calls graffigraphy. In real life, she works as a business consultant for operational efficiency and enjoys recreational sleeping in her spare time.