A Tale Not Worth Being Told

Pedro Adams

In the beginning, there was nothing. Nothing but me, of course. I wish I could define myself, or at least know what I am. But I don’t. What could I possibly compare myself with?

I simply am. Whatever that means. And, in search for my own meaning, I created this little universe. I could say my reasons were benevolent, that I wanted to create life, good and happiness out of nothing, but that’s a lie. I did it for myself.

There’s no other reason why something like this would be done, but for its creator’s selfishness.

First, came the stars. I like to watch them glow, and die in a magnificent explosion soon after. I arranged them in all different shapes and distances from one another. It wasn’t enough.

Then, came the planets. I got a bit more creative. Most of them are just made out of gas, like the stars. But others are solid. And in some of them, I created something else. I created life.

At first, they were creatures with simple forms. I was just experimenting at that time. Little by little, they started getting more complex. They also needed some type of fuel to keep existing, so I had to create those as well.

Of course, there was a lot of trial and error involved. Many galaxies were sent into oblivion, abandoned projects of mine. But for every single one of those fails, I would try countless more times.

And finally, after innumerous attempts, one of my creations stood out from all the others. I didn’t really think they would make it at first, but still watched their evolution with great interest.

Like me, my projects started developing all sorts of things. Places for them to live, means of transportation, optimisation tools. The more they evolved, the more they created. And the more they created, the more they evolved.

It made me come to realise that, hauntingly, if you create something, your creation will change you back at some point. Has it happened to me already, and have I overlooked it? How could I answer that, if I still don’t even know what I am?

Then, my projects also started creating things that are not there. Things for their minds. The one that fascinates me the most, although I find it very hard to understand, is morality. Apparently, they also have a hard time with this concept, and in most cases, just blatantly choose to ignore their own codes, or to judge others based on them.

Another interesting thing they have created was religion, one of their best ways to control others. Becoming aware of my existence, although I don’t know how, they started shaping their behaviours and morals to go with my supposed will. Several different approaches arose, some believing in many creators, others in just one.

Every single one of them that is religious has a different version of me. A different name. A different philosophy. They don’t worship me, but their idea of me. For their own salvation. Salvation from what? I wonder…

I feel like I’m multiples of me, yet none at the same time. For if I’m anything and everything, what is my identity? Again, what am I? Seems like I’m back at the beginning of this journey.

It didn’t take long before some of my creations became so megalomaniac that they started to believe they spoke for me. And preach it to others, like they hold the truth. I never talked to them. Never asked or wanted to be worshipped. Who are they to know of my desires?

I’ve come to learn that morals and religion share a lot of things. For example, both can be twisted or ignored from time to time to fit one’s narrative. My whole body constantly shifts, as better fit for my creations in the occasion. In one moment, I’m benevolent, and on the other, I’m about to send anyone who disagrees with my “believer” to this place they call Hell.

Did they ever actually believe in me, or they just assumed there was something else in the sky?

Was it cruel of me to invent life, and its eternal cycle of destruction and rebirth? Sometimes I think of that, but then look at my inventions, and they seem happy about it.

They are born so they can grow, multiply, and die. It’s all so pointless, so futile, and still, they keep on going. What are they happy about? How can I not understand how the minds of my own creations work?

Sometimes I feel like their existence is more meaningful than mine.

I don’t like that.

Is this the price of being? Of having a meaning? Because I’m tired of it. Of being, for anything or anyone but myself. I believe I have my answers now. I know what I am.

And I’m tired of my creations. All of them.

No more of this cosmic tragedy. A poor tale, not worth being told. Once again, I shall drown in silence. A trillion voices will scream, and once again all returns into nothing.

Nothing… Who am I trying to fool? It’s too late for nothingness. For what kind of creator doesn’t mourn for their own inventions?

Will this be my eternal punishment?

Is guilt the burden of morality?

Interview by L. Valena

Can you first tell us what you responded to?

It was a four-minute animation. It was of a floating Buddha head of some kind. It would rotate up, with four different faces, and there was also a net around it.

What was your first reaction to it?

I had to sit back and think about what I would do with this. I wasn’t thinking of doing it straight away. I watched it, and had some bullet points going on of what I thought about it, so it could be a guideline, because there was no story or anything.

What were the bullet points?

“What does the video make me feel?” Something that I should point out, is that the first time, when I watched it, I was having palpitations. It was not the best mood to watch it, and it for sure influenced what I felt. Nausea, staring at the head spinning around, going back and forth. Vertigo. Anxiety. But also, I felt that there was this sacredness, and that was the only thing that stood out from the rest. And that’s what I came back to.

That idea of sacredness? Want to say more about that?

Yeah. So, I had an idea of what I wanted to do. The main thing I got from the animation was this idea of cycles. The head was in one position, then it would start moving, and at the end it was in the same position. There was a beginning, a middle, and then it goes back to the beginning. At first I tried to work with the idea of silence or absence. But it would be very personal. Because I was having these palpitations all the time, it was a rough day. Then things changed completely for the best, health-wise, but then I was left with nothing. I had a couple of days where I didn’t know what to do, and was completely lost.

I actually had one page of another idea, but I didn’t know where I was going. I wanted it to be abstract, but what I was writing had no soul, no thoughts, whatever. But then I had people help me. One person who helped me also came back to that same idea of the sacred part of it. And then I remembered by bullet points.

And then came this idea. What if it’s about god, because of the sacred? And why is it shifting? I hadn’t even thought about that, but it was an interesting abstraction. And the thing started to come out easily enough. After I figured it out, it wasn’t that bad.

So it was this idea of sacredness, and also this idea of silence?

Yes. The silence one was the beginning -- inner demons fighting, because of my mental state at the time. With silence, it would be nothing, and there’s no external stimulus, everything’s cool. But the moment someone says something, asks something, or a TV turns on, there are two or more people inside the same head, arguing. I was trying to work with that. The idea of drowning in silence. That was what I tried to do -- that was the first ending I did, on the first day. I like starting with endings, or at least knowing how it’s going to end, and working it out from there. But the ending I was trying out was: “No more of this poetry of me and you. And once again, there was silence.” And then I changed a lot, and in the end I kept almost nothing from that, because I started working with morality. Again, same principle, working with the concept of the beginning and the end, but pretty different at the same time.

Are you interested in talking about your feelings about God/the Universe/Higher Power? Any of those things?

Sure. I don’t know how my father is going to react to this. I don’t personally believe in God. But I’m also like, “There is a God?” What I don’t believe in is the god that people preach. I don’t believe that there’s this guy, who’s like us, in heaven, who cares about what we do. I’m not saying that there isn’t a creator of any kind, but why does it have to look like us? It could be anything. I’m not saying that there isn’t something that created the universe -- that could happen. I don’t think there is, but there could be. Who? A Cthulhu of some kind? But I don’t believe in this morality god. And since I also like philosophy... I haven’t read Neitzche yet, because I have too much to do, but I know there is this thing about the death of god. And that we need to rethink our morals and values, because they were created and conceived based on a religious notion of god.

So I had this thought: what if this that made us... I never call it god, because I wanted to leave that up to interpretation.

My favorite band is Muse. They have a song called Shrinking Universe. The chorus is “Can’t you see it’s over? Because you’re the god of a shrinking universe.” I kind of had that song at the back of my mind. I like working with religion. Clerics, fantasy. I like this relationship that people have. I think the hypocrisy -- don’t do this, but act this way. Ethics. God loves everybody, but...

“... Except if you’re not like me.”

You know. Especially in Brazil. The circus is burning. Corruption, scandal. Who would have thought? But now, things are starting to go down. We went over half a million deaths, and there are two thousand people dying every day. It’s horrible. You go to the store, and nobody is wearing masks. Now that it’s pride month, you have many homophobic epithets going on. That was another concept that came to my mind. It’s not me that’s going crazy -- everything is going crazy. So that was another idea. But then I was thinking, god is just tired of us. To hell with those guys.

I love the idea that this higher power is just kind of blase about us. Like, why won’t they shut up?

Yeah, What have I done?

What have I not asked you about?

It was my interest in religion, and people’s relationship with it. Even though I’m not religious myself, it’s not that I’m against the idea of god. All spiritual paths kind of lead to the same thing -- to be a good person. But, apparently god hates the gays.

What the fuck. Honestly, hatred of queer people always seemed so random to me. Of all the things that could get targeted by religion, why gay people? You could just as easily target people who own cats, you know what I mean? It seems random.

I’m pretty sure the same guy who said that a man should not be with another man is the same guy who said that if a woman teaches, she’ll go to hell, but I could be wrong. Why do people accept one part of that if they can ignore the other part? The other thing I took from the animation was all the shifting. I kind of did it with text. No two people have the same god. Even between two Catholics that talk to god in the same way, or fear god in the same way (I don’t know why you would fear god), everyone has a different god. Even if they believe in the same one, it’s not the same one.

You can use the same words, but it’s really just a signpost for talking about something that we can’t possibly understand. Like so many things, right?

The shape-shifting is not just between Catholic and Islam. It’s between every person.

Do you have any advice for someone else approaching this project for the first time?

You’re in for a ride, that’s for sure. Be open-minded. Don’t freak out. At least this worked for me: don’t plan things ahead. I knew I was going to write a text, but I wasn’t thinking, “it’s going to sound like this, or like that.” I had no idea. In some ways, it’s also good improv, I guess. Because we’re not choosing a prompt. Just roll with it, have fun, and don’t stress too much over it.

Call Number: M37FI | M38PP.adaA

Pedro Adams is a Brazilian student, author, screenwriter and director. He now lives in Natal, a seaside city, where he wrote and directed his first two short films, and also started to write as a career. Writing for Bait/Switch was his first international and English-language project.