Where’s My Flock?

Christine Tierney

Interview by L. Valena

November 15, 2021

Would you please start by telling me about the piece that you responded to?

The piece that I responded to is a pastel drawing of connected birds. Kind of like hawks, but then I was thinking they might have been pigeons, because they’re grey. They’re in this fiery sky, like an autumn sky.

What was your first reaction to that?

I promised myself that I’d be honest about this. When I first received it, I opened it up and was really looking at it. At first I thought it was really peaceful, and then I started to look at it, and realized that everything is connected by a wing or a head. They seemed so connected and happy, like this big flock. I pictured them as these women all flocked together in harmony. And I started to get really mad! Where’s my flock? Why don’t I have that?

I kept looking at the pastel. Rotating it, feeling angry at this painting. And then I was like, “What the hell is wrong with me?” So then I put it away. I’m a writer -- I just came out with a book of poetry, so I decided to write about it. So, then I wrote about it for a while, and thought that it looked really nice and peaceful. I went back and forth, but finally, I decided that I really felt jealous of this painting and that I’m not one of those birds. I just want what they have.

Sounds confusing! Thank you for your honesty! What happened next?

I was writing about it, then I had an idea. I knew that I wanted to use a similar red background. I’ve been taking pictures lately of this little wooden... I call her Egg Cup Girl. She’s kind of the centerpiece of everything I do right now. I knew I wanted to use her, but I didn’t really know where I was going to go with it. Usually in my process I tend to use items that I find on the street or find in a drawer. I very rarely order anything or get things that are premade, but I did order these little porcelain dollhouse toilets. I knew that was what I was going to use. I centered her between the toilets.

I think I was on a walk, and thinking, “Where’s my flock? Maybe it’s in the toilet! They’re stuck in the toilet and the can’t find me.”

So tell me what’s going on in this scene.

So Egg Cup Girl is kind of connected to the toilets. There are these feathery things coming out of the toilet, and then in front is her little friend. Her pal, the cat. So that’s really where her flock is, but she’s kind of stuck behind with this other flock, which she thinks she belongs to, but really the center of her world is her little kitty friend. That’s really where she should be, but she’s kind of stuck between the two.

What you’re describing is such a familiar feeling. Having that sense of lack, even though you have community, you have people, you have friends. That feeling that other people somehow have more friends or have more community. I just really relate to that to that. Asking the question, “Where are my friends?” and they’re actually right there.

I always feel like there’s this connection that I’m missing out on. Even with this book coming out, it’s my first book.

Congratulations!

Thank you so much! But that’s happening with the book too. There’s this community of people who write books, and they’re connected, and they know what to do. I’m just such a loner. The process was so great when I was doing my own thing, but now I have to talk to people. It sucks.

“Networking” is the worst word.

Exactly! That pastel came to me at the right moment. I should side note and say that I just finished reading Where the Crawdads Sing. It’s about a girl who’s on her own. I heard an interview with the author, and she was talking about how women all have this community. They have their pack, their flock. I don’t always feel like I have that, for whatever reason. Everything just kind of came together at once. I was so grateful to receive this gift, so thank you!

The prompt chooses the artist! I’m glad it worked out. Was there anything that surprised you about this process?

I was surprised that I let myself hold onto the anger. When I was reading through other interviews you’ve done with other people who have experienced this, it seems like the trick is to ‘let go and have fun’. I guess I was expecting fun as in balloons. And then you realize that your fun is whatever your fun is. Whatever the feeling is. I was surprised that I had fun and also stayed true to myself.

I know what you mean -- expressing yourself honestly can be very freeing, but it doesn’t mean that it looks fun. I can’t even think of what ‘mainstream fun’ would even mean.

[Laughs] What is ‘fun’ anyway?

If you want to go a layer deeper, I think this feeling of loneliness is something we could talk about a little bit more. At this point in the pandemic, it seems like the isolation that a lot of people are experiencing is almost getting corrosive.

Corrosive, corrosive... I like that word. I guess personally I’m coming from a place where I’m still on lockdown. I’m immunocompromised, I had a kidney transplant in 2017, so my life hasn’t changed. I’m still at home. I just ended my career. There are all of these things going on. And my husband and I have been here for almost two years now. We haven’t been able to go to restaurants and stuff, we’re still in it.

At the beginning of the pandemic, because I’m such a loner, I was pretty happy for the break. Happy to be alone. But then when everyone started to go back to a different kind of normal, and we’re still stuck here, that’s where a lot of the jealousy and loneliness crept in. My husband and I have been talking about that a lot. We see other people, and we get angry about masks. The whole thing that so many people have let go of, and we’re still holding strong. We don’t know when we’re going to get out of it.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through that. It just sucks. I remember hearing early in the pandemic that we’re not all in the same boat, but we are all in the same storm. There is such a wide variety of experiences in this pandemic, but it’s hard in one way or another for basically everyone on the planet.

It’s funny because, for me personally, and for other people in my position (transplant people), there was this sense at the beginning where we were like, “welcome to our world.” I don’t mean to be cruel, but this is what we always have to do when, for example, the measles are around. That feeling lasted for a little while, and then it changed because you realize that everyone is in it. Everyone has a story, and you hear how different people cope. I’m sure there’s a lot of jealousy bouncing around. Some people may say one thing and experience another.

Well, hang in there. It will change.

Yes, it will. It might take a little while. Hope. Hope is the word I’m looking for. It’s such a simple word, but it’s easy to forget.

It’s a simple word, but it’s complicated.

It’s very complicated, right? It’s huge. I love and hate that word.

Do you have any advice for another artist approaching this project for the first time?

Have fun with it! Whatever fun means to you. I love this whole concept. You guys are doing such a good job, and it’s a fantastic idea. I read a piece in your recent publication, and it was a guy who hadn’t written a short story since high school or something, and I thought that was so awesome. I was so into his story, and I was so into the interview!

That writer was my dad!

Oh, no way! That’s even cooler!

Yeah, I finally convinced him to participate. He nailed it.

I really enjoyed it. It was so unexpected, and so what I’m not experiencing with writers in the world right now. I encourage anyone and everyone to take a stab at this. I think it’s a beautiful thing.

Call Number: Y65VA | Y69VA.tieWhe

Christine Tierney’s debut collection of poetry, chicken+lowercase=fleur was recently published by Lily Poetry Review Books. Her poems and flash fiction have appeared in Fourteen Hills, Poet Lore, The Yalobusha Review, The Tusculum Review, Monkey Bicycle, Permafrost, Sugar House Review and elsewhere. She holds an MFA from The University of Southern Maine’s Stonecoast Writing Program, and a BA in film from Emerson College. She is a funk and disco lover, a photoartist and a wannabe comedian.