VAlsa/Waltz

Gabriela Rocha

O vestido era caro

grande demais

As lágrimas escorriam

um dois três quatro,

um dois três quatro,

Eu não sabia dançar valsa

- somos brasileiros

O vestido era caro

confortável

As lágrimas escorriam pela última vez

um dois três quatro,

um dois três quatro,

Ninguém sabia dançar valsa

- brasileiro dança qualquer coisa

A memória é um instrumento maravilhoso

dizem

Mas quando nos pega pela mão

não adianta olhar pro outro lado

É torcer pra falhar

It was an expensive dress

a bit too big

Tears have dropped

one two three four,

one two three four,

I didn`t know how to dance waltz

- we are Brazilian

It was an expensive dress

a comfortable one

Tears have dropped for the last time

one two three four,

one two three four,

No one knew how to dance waltz

- Brazilians can dance anything

Memory is a wonderful tool

they say

but when it takes us by the hand

it’s useless to look to the other side

Interview by C. VanWinkle

March 31, 2022

Can you describe your prompt for me? What was it?

It was a film about a guy who comes to a place that I imagine was his home. He’s wearing a suit and he looks like he's tired. I imagine he was coming home after a long day of work. Then he ducks out of the frame and returns wearing different clothes, like a leather jacket, more casual clothes. He begins to take some objects out of the suitcase. We can see that he is remembering things and feeling sensations about it. We can hear music and sounds of nature. At one point, the music is too loud the image gets too crazy, like crazy crazy crazy. And then he transforms into another guy. I think it’s supposed to be him when he was younger, like in 1975. A long time ago, 50 years ago. What I got from this is that the things that he was touching and seeing took him back, remembering things from his past. It actually made him go there.

So what did you do with that?

First I thought, Oh my God, I got another crazy thing! The first time I participated in Bait/Switch, I got a very crazy prompt, so I was like, Oh my God, again? But that’s the point, isn't it? I got something that I wouldn't find anywhere around me. So that's nice. And at least I understood some story there, so it’s okay. But then I couldn't do anything. The days passed by and I kept wondering what I should do. Finally, I decided to just do it. I watched the film again and thought, I still have nothing to do, but I had some books near me that I sometimes read from to make me think. The first book I opened was Caderno de Memórias Coloniais (Notebook of Colonial Memories) by Isabela Figueiredo. She's a Portuguese writer. I chose this one because it's about memory. In the preface, there is a quote by Paul Auster about looking in his father’s drawers, which reminded me of something Joan Didion wrote somewhere. After her husband and daughter died, she was looking through the drawers in her apartment and she regretted keeping so many things. She said she lost so much time in her life keeping things so that she could remember, and now it didn't matter. It was a waste of time. And then I had my idea.

I started to write about the memories in the drawers. In the film, it’s a suitcase instead of a drawer, but it's also things from the past. I remembered things that I wish I wouldn’t have kept, things from my past that I still have, but it's a bad memory or a useless memory. One of them was this dress that was from a graduation I had. It was an awful day and there was an awful party. It was so sad to me. It was my law school graduation. I studied law and journalism and other things, but the law one was awful. Recently, like last month, I saw this dress again and thought, I should have burned it! And it's here like a ghost. I hate thinking about it. And then I wrote this poem talking about this dress and how I wanted to forget all about it and the whole night. When I saw it, I couldn't lie to myself and pretend that it was even an okay night. It was an awful one.

Of course, that night must have had something good happen. It's impossible that it was absolutely, 100% bad. I must have been happy to see my loved ones. I must have eaten or drunk something and felt good in that moment, but I really can't remember, because I just think of the bad things.

So you watched the film, you thought about it, you thought of the dress, you had an idea. How did the idea become a poem? What’s your process like?

I try to write very freely because I know I'm going to change it a lot. I just write what I really think at the time and change it as I go. I don't believe that I can just think of something and then write it exactly. No, as soon as I write, it's gonna change and go another way. And I have to follow it.

Some people just write one draft and it’s finished. Do you do a lot of rewrites?

Yeah, a lot. I sometimes try to write one perfect first draft because I think it’s easier, but it's not good work, so it's useless. It's easy, but if it's not good work, it doesn't matter. And I think the best part of doing this kind of writing is really the process of doing it. Even if it's hard, doing it is the best part. After it’s done, I can read it and it touches me, but the feeling is so little compared to the huge experience of writing it.

You wrote this piece in Portuguese and then you translated it into English yourself, so I imagine the translation is probably pretty accurate. But how are the two different? How does your writing change in the different languages?

It's very different. The most different part for me is the verb tense. For example, the -ing verbs, the present continuous. We use it differently in Brazil and I don't feel so confident using it in English. It always feels wrong to me. So the time thing is hard to translate. Something gets lost or the meaning changes. I have a specific problem in this piece. In the English version, the last line is, “It’s useless to look to the other side,” and that's the end. But in the Portuguese version, I added a line that in English would be something like, “We can just wish that the memory fails.” But in Portuguese, this word torcer doesn’t exactly mean “to wish.” It's almost like “to cheer,” like I want it to fail. And torcer not only means that, but it also means “to twist.” It has two very different meanings. I liked using it here because you can try to twist your memory, and you can wish that the memory fails.

Oh I see! That's some really interesting wordplay in Portuguese, but it doesn't make sense when you translate it into English.

No, in English it doesn’t work, so I chose to leave that line out. I think it hurts the English version of the poem, but I don't know. Can I do that? Can I say it's a fair translation even though one line is missing?

I think you can because you’re the poet and you translated it yourself. And you knew that line wouldn't have the right meaning. I think you made a good choice.

Thank you. I think so too.

How does this poem relate to the rest of your work?

I always end up doing some combination of fiction and true memory of my life. That's something I'm trying not to do now, but it's hard. When I started writing, I could do more fiction without mixing my own life into it, but these days I think I'm doing it too much. I think everybody's doing too much, mixing fiction with their own life.

Do you want your writing to be all true or all fiction?

Lately, I'm in this safe place, writing about my own life and adding some fictitious elements. It's a safe place and very comfortable, but I want to get out and write more fiction that’s not about me and the things that I know. It should come more from research and, you know, other worlds.

How do you feel about deadlines? Do they make you nervous?

I like them because I'm very good at them. That's why it was very hard to me that I couldn't finish this piece before the deadline. I didn’t want my stress about it to get into my work, but it got to a point where I was gonna do anything so that I could respect the deadline. I was like, Oh my God, I need to give them anything! It was hard for me, not doing it. So that's it. It's usually good, I do it well, but when I can't, it’s awful.

Do you have advice for someone else making something for Bait/Switch?

This video is a very strange thing. It's so far from my reality, my universe, the things that I like to talk about and think about. So I would say to enjoy that. The prompts are really different from anything you might choose as your inspiration. It's a good opportunity to get out of your own references and ideas. Enjoy this trip.

Call Number: C68FI | C70PP.roVa

Gabriela Rocha is a brazilian writer living in São Paulo. She has been a lawyer and a journalist who nowadays writes and works as a freelancer reviewer and editor. Gabriela is a feminist and mother of a girl and a boy.