22

Mayara Blasi

22nd February

Maybe you’re just gone for a trip, as you always are, you are in Bahia or somewhere in nature, in a spiritual retreat. Or maybe you are offline for a week or two because you lost your phone, as you always do. It feels like I`m gonna get one of those silly voice messages of yours in the next minute. 

22nd March

It’s been two months now. It was supposed to be easier, or was it?

I remember the first time I decided to pray after you passed away. I can't say I knew exactly how to do it, as I haven't prayed for a while. There was this prayer I used to try, being in total silence thinking of someone, but this time I wasn't sure it was enough. Somehow I needed to make it holy since nothing related to your death would help me to cope with it. I lit a candle and tried this old prayer from my childhood, Little Angel of God. I would ask her to be at my side, to light, to guard, to rule and guide me, every night. Yeah, her. I’ve pictured you as the angel. It has worked for a while, but then I felt selfish, for wasn’t I supposed to pray to your soul?

22nd April

- I called you that night, and as you didn’t answer, I called you again. And again.

- Ana told me the exact time of your cremation. I remember setting my room to stay in silence for an hour. I tried my meditation posture, and in minutes I was holding my knees against my chest, my neck bending down. Then you rocked me in the cradle of your arms. My whole body tingled, it felt peaceful. I was not sure how much time I kept that position, like a baby in a womb. 

- Those nightmares I had been having for two years, they’re gone. I don’t need to escape during my sleep anymore. From the day of your death, they’re gone. It’s just not fair.

Scientists say people on grief manufacture patterns. 

22nd May

I never know when something will break the loss freshly open and I’ll feel completely lost. 

I never know when something will break the loss freshly open and I’ll feel the impermanence of all things as inevitable, being grateful for the time we spent together. I might check the clouds for different hybrid animals, listen to our playlist, or even spend five minutes looking at my hands. 

22nd June

The it-takes-time has turned into a time-heals that ended up being something else I don’t have words for, and neither do people around me. Each month, every 22nd, I`ll think of you and the moments we shared, your dance classes, our endless conversations, your pure joy and strength.

22nd July

Having cried a lot yesterday, I tried laying down to rest, but it felt like I would drown, and I had to sit straight again. I thought I should deceive my mind and gave it another try. 

I ended up sleeping in a sitting position.  

22nd August

In our last dance class, you proposed this practice on supporting our bodies: mine would lift yours, and vice versa, then we would roll using each other’s back. I’d support your body with mine, making small adjustments in the way, holding and letting go. 

Strength is not an issue here, you said, listen. You said listen, and then we practiced the same movement over and over. The subtleties of touch were awakened as my skin pores learned they should listen to your body, and respond to that with ease. I remember suspending that moment from time, fascinated by the way we were moving together, with almost any effort.

22nd September

I’ve just realized I’m terrified at the idea of losing my memories with you. 

They can’t vanish, can they?

22nd October

If I were to describe it:

- a constant need of sighing or screaming or just opening my mouth and doing some weird loud sound that comes from my belly - or somewhere in my back;

- a sensation of holding an alive fish in my mouth;

- nothingness.

Did you have previous associations with this number before making this work?

No, I haven`t. At first, I had no idea where to start.

What inspired you to make this piece?

I thought about using the number as a date, probably because I kept thinking of how a specific date influences someone’s emotions when it is glued to a past memory (good or bad). I realized how unfair it is to have a date to remember something you don’t want to and how important it is to have the date at the same time, to bring memories alive. Then I decided to explore this feeling, using different drafts I have written during the year.

Aside from a response to this number, what does the work say to you now that you've made it?

It is probably a reminder that I need to keep writing. Writing gives me this chance to look back and understand what really matters about something I have lived, or seen, or witnessed.

Mayara Blasi is a Brazilian writer, editor, and creative writing teacher. She believes writing is a candid way of sensing the world.