Did you Find What You Were Looking For?

Marcelina Gonzales

Interview by L. Valena

First, can you tell me what you responded to?

You sent over an image. When I look at work, especially visual art, my mind kind of veers towards looking for some kind of narrative. I find myself trying to decipher symbols and colors to find meaning. Sometimes I'll just completely make up an elaborate tale that may have nothing to do with the work, but I just get lost in it. Going to museums with me can be a nightmare, because I just get stuck in front of a work, thinking of stories.

When I opened the image that you sent, my eye was completely drawn to the dark red/crimson background. That was the first thing my eye looked towards. And on it were these white fissure-like cracks through the plains, and my mind immediately went to lightening. I've always been scared of lightening and thunderstorms, especially here in the (Rio Grande) Valley, with all the hurricanes and things that I've grown up with.

My first thought was this sense of foreboding. Then I looked around the image, and I saw a skull, and a male figure wearing a mask and gloves. All of these things kind of solidified this feeling, so I just ran with that. I also noticed that all of the figures seemed to be kind of looking for something, and all in the same area. What are they looking at? Are they searching for something? Is there something going on over there? Is it bad? Is it good? As an artist, I asked how do these things make me feel? I knew going in that I was looking at this work and that I would have to respond to it. How do I respond to these feelings?

The morning you sent over the prompt, I had read in the newspaper about this woman here in the Valley who was advocating to sponsor two asylum-seekers who were living here- at the asylum camp in Matamoros. She was a volunteer working there in the camp, and she gave testimony. She wanted to have these two individuals live with her, she was going to be their sponsor. She gave testimony, and was immediately denied by immigration judge.

'Us and them' has always been something that I've felt throughout my life. Especially here in the Valley. It's only something that's intensified in the past two years. Now it's in my face every day. It's in the news. I dealt with in growing up in school from my teachers. From my family members. It’s everywhere and in everything I do. Going into this work, I don't mean to be fanatical or overly political or anything like that, but it is very relevant to me and where I live. It's part of my life, even though I don't want it to be. The prompt that I was looking it, I felt like these figures were ominously looking for something or at something.

This story of that woman advocate that I had read in the paper kind of acted as my starting point. It started my morning, and kind of left me in a bad mood with a sour taste in my mouth. I was already in that mood, so I kind of reacted to that feeling. As an artist, for me that's a good way to process feelings and emotions- kind of get them out. I am especially inspired by women who risk everything. Mothers who take their children, leave their homes, and try to provide a better life for their own. That's part of my family history too. My grandma wasn't born here- she did the same thing. I've always looked towards those people with such admiration, because those no symbol of greater strength. These people are searched for and persecuted, and I'm very inspired by all of these thoughts and feelings.

What I wanted to create was something inspired by that article I had read. Looking at that prompt, burning with all of those feelings I had. The image I created is pretty simple, I would say, but there's a really clear narrative in it. The background is the backdrop of my hometown- blue skies and dry dirt. There's a fence and a single finger reaching through the fence. At the center of the image is a woman, a younger girl, a baby and a snake. The figures are a symbol of protection. The image is very much us and them. Seeking something or hunting for something. It's a pretty simple response.

I don't think there is anything ‘simple’ about this, just so you know.

It's simple in the sense that it's very straightforward and in your face. There's nothing really that you have to question- you can see what's going on. I titled the piece 'Did You Find What You Were Looking For?' which is a reference to those that were searching for something (or looking at something) in the prompt. But also it is a question for the owner of the finger through the fence, and also a question for the women and the snake that are protecting that child.

What a good question for the people who are out there looking for blood. Especially blood from anyone they perceive as different from themselves.

I actually have family members who are border patrol. They're doing their jobs, taking directions, but it's a very difficult and touchy thing. It's just always around.

Especially where you are. I had never been that close to the border before I came to Brownsville. It was very powerful. I've been to Mexico, and a lot of parts of Brownsville just really felt like Mexico to me. It really is just this invisible line that seems like it should mean nothing, and yet people are rabidly protective of it.

Exactly.

Can you say how this piece relates to the rest of your work?

My work primarily is taken from my own experiences. I guess I'm a very selfish artist in that sense. I draw from memories- especially of growing up here in Brownsville. Like I had mentioned earlier, immigration, the border, and 'us and them' was very much part of my childhood. For example, when I was in kindergarten, I had just entered school, I couldn't speak English very well because Spanish was my first language. I was really brought up by my grandmother, and she just spoke Spanish to me. As I entered school, my first feelings were of rejection, because my teacher scolded me and told me that I couldn't speak Spanish there- I had to start speaking English. I almost felt like I was being scolded for just being who I was. So I kind of always felt this sense that ‘this is America- we're not in Mexico’. And like you said, it's not very clear when you get here, because there are so many cultural traditions that are celebrated here. It's almost like we're living in this bubble- it's not clearly America. There are so many things that are taken from Mexico- it's kind of like a blending of these two places. It was very confusing growing up- I always felt like I either had to assimilate to look and speak more like an American girl, or celebrate my Hispanic culture. Things like that are very relevant to my work, and certainly part of this piece.

By the way, I don't think making work about your own life makes you a selfish artist.

I don't know, I just always think about things like that. Am I being selfish for making this piece about being a little girl? Do people care?

Well, I might be biased about this- I spend a lot of time making self portraits. But if anyone thinks it's because I love how I look, then they have no idea what making art is about. These process shots are awesome. For our readers who are not familiar with your process, can you explain how your work is made?

Sure! So my work always starts digitally. I work in photoshop- play around with different things. Once I create something that I'm happy with, that image will almost act like paint by numbers. It's my reference, and I don't ever deviate from it. I'm the type of person that needs to plan. I want everything to be as efficient as possible, I hate wasting time and materials. That's why I'm so fascinated with abstract expressionist artists- I don't understand that work at all. My brain does not compute. I remember being in art school, and we were exploring abstract expressionism and they told us if was time to create our own pieces. I was like "What?"

Once I have the plan, next comes mixing the color palette. I use oil paint to mix into the resin. I'll mix those colors the day that I'm going to be pouring- if you pre-mix oil paint it usually dries out the same day. In my studio I have these wooden boards I work on. I actually painted them with chalkboard paint so I can map out the shapes I'm going to be pouring, so I don't just pour this huge blob of resin and only need half of it. It helps me to be more resourceful and efficient. Like I said, I hate wasting time.

I'll map out the different shapes I'll be pouring that day, and once I draw the shapes onto the board, I wrap the board in plastic. Then I mix the paint into the resin and then pour it onto the plastic over the different shapes. Then I take a heat gun and take all of the bubbles out of the resin- make sure it dries nice and smooth. Then I let it cure overnight. Once it cures, it peels right off the plastic into these little plastic pieces. Then I take all of the individual little pieces and start shaping them into the images from the digital mockup. I use a dremel tool to shape them. Once I have all the little pieces, I start collaging them onto each other. I collage them and glue them with quick-dry resin. Once they're all together and the image is complete, I build the frame. I usually use really thin wood, and use resin to mount them onto the frame. I let that dry overnight. Once it's dry, the final step is coating them with a clear resin, which kind of melts everything together into one uniform shape.

That is so cool. I think when we met for the first time I asked you the same thing, because I couldn't figure it out!

Honestly, the whole thing was such a huge experiment. I totally arrived at it by mistake. It was something I kind of worked through, but now I have this step by step process that I don't deviate from. It's nice for someone like me who loves rules and following the 1,2,3's.

Is there anything else you'd like to say about this process?

Actually, I'd like to talk about the whole Bait/Switch project and how cool it is. When I first found your work through Instagram, you were so kind to accept my invitation to be in this all-woman exhibition that I had here in the valley.

Oh my god, that was the best.

I had seen that you had this project going, and I'm so happy to be a part of it. I've never known about things like parlour games. I think it's fascinating, and I'm so happy to be a part of it.

Do you have advice for someone else?

When I started, I was kind of overthinking it. I was afraid of insulting the artist who made the prompt. What if this is nowhere near what this person was trying to say? But I found that just going with the flow, and following my feelings really helped me. Once I stopped overthinking it, it became fun. At first I was nervous, but then I just let go and decided to enjoy it, because it is fun. So don't overthink it and have fun.

Call Number: C33VA | C35VA.goDi

Marcelina Gonzales received a Bachelor of Arts in Visual Art from the University of Texas at
Brownsville in 2013. Born and raised along the Mexican American border her entire life,
Gonzales, through her work, explores her identity in relation to her gender, culture, and
memories. Ultimately she seeks empowerment as she works to destroy the expected social,
political, economic, religious, and sexual role of a female living in today’s America.