Como Nã0 Tentar Se Matar

Gabriela Rocha

Tem esse documentário sobre Hiroshima

Tem essa senhora que sobreviveu à bomba e tinha uma irmã gêmea

as irmãs estavam juntas no momento da explosão 

as irmãs tiveram ferimentos muito parecidos

seis meses depois uma delas se jogou na frente de um trem

O repórter pergunta 

“porque você acha que ela fez isso?”

a senhora responde: 

“existem coragens diferentes,

eu tive coragem de viver,

ela teve coragem de morrer”.

Tem essa atriz de TV que eu gosto muito

Tem essa entrevista que ela deu sobre maternidade

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A repórter pergunta

“o que você sentiu quando viu sua filha pela primeira vez?”

a atriz responde

“culpa,

eu tinha acabado de dar vida a um ser sofredor”

Eu penso nessas duas mulheres todos os dias 

desde então não tentei mais me matar

How to try not to kill yourself

There is this documentary about Hiroshima
There is this lady who survived the bomb and used to have a twin sister
the sisters were together at the moment of the explosion
the sisters had quite similar injuries
six months later one of them threw herself in front of a train

The interviewer asks
“why do you think she did it?”
the lady answers:
“there are different types of courage:
I had the courage to live,
she had the courage to die”

There is this TV actress I really like
There is this interview she gave about motherhood
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The interviewer asks
“how did you feel when you saw your daughter for the first time?”
the TV actress answers:
“guilty,
I had just released a suffering person”
Everyday I think about these two women
I haven’t tried to kill myself since then

Interview by L. Valena

Can you start by describing what you responded to?

I responded to a message exchange about an image. I thought it was very funny, because they were talking about why this painting was in front of the house of one of them. It was an artist who lived nearby who killed himself and left a lot of his work on his neighbors’ houses.

What was your first reaction to that?

I first opened it on my cellphone, and I don't know why, but it just appeared as one person talking. So I felt like it was really true art- like I just couldn't understand it. I shouldn't be here doing this! I'm not capable! But then I opened it on a computer, and realized that it was a conversation, and I was relieved. I don't like very much exchanging messages on the phone. At first I thought it was really funny, and serious. I thought I would have to write something about text messages, and I didn't feel like it. For the first days I was struggling- I don't want to write about text messages, I don't want to write about Covid. And then I just stopped and realized that I should do whatever I felt connected to.

A lot of time in my life, I always felt that I was the sad girl. There was always this sadness, and it was hard for me. I always tried to do things with more joy, and to be happy, but a lot of time it wasn't me, so it didn't make a lot of sense. Thinking about doing this work, I felt almost the same- I realized that the suicide thing connects with me. But it's so bad! People are already dying, I don't have to talk about this. But that's what got me, that's what moved me. So I shouldn't be afraid of it.

What happened next?

I felt very happy, because I thought about the two women from Hiroshima, and then the commentary that there are two types of courage. I watched that documentary a long time ago, and I really thought about it forever. It made me feel a lot lighter about suicide. And I loved how it made me feel lighter about seeing the human side of this. Thinking closer about it. When I thought I would talk about this, I was just like "oh my god!"- I had been waiting to talk about this scene in that documentary. I really like it, and I really think about it. It's a type of courage. A lot of people wouldn't have the courage to kill themselves, and a lot of people don't have courage to live. It all takes courage. I felt very happy to finally use this. And the other part- about the actress. I like it too, to take you to more nowadays, and take it away from Hiroshima and bombs. And also to motherhood- that's something that moves me. The guilt that you feel. I think it's easy to feel guilty about giving someone life- life is suffering. It is a huge guilt. I liked to put it on paper.

I think it's interesting that you talk about that, because I also think that it takes a lot of courage to be a parent. It takes a lot of courage to bring someone into the world! It takes courage to live, and courage to die, but there's also this other kind of courage- the courage to bring new life in to the world.

It's true. I've been thinking a lot about it, because I'm pregnant again.

Congratulations!

Thank you! I discovered two weeks ago. It was very hard to write this because I've been feeling very sick- I always feel sick when I'm pregnant. I keep asking myself if I'm bringing another life into the world- poor thing. But I see my daughter- she's almost three now, and I think she likes to be alive. It's hard, for everybody, but it's also good, and you can do a lot in life. You can transform your life, and the lives of others. That also takes courage- to really take your life into your hands and transform it, and to transform other people's lives, but it's possible.

Absolutely. And also, we don't know anything else. We also know what it means to be alive, we don't have any reference for any other type of experience we might have. I think it's interesting. I loved that part about the actress- and that you bought it all! I thought that was great.

It's so human. We do it, we want to study another person, and sometimes we just buy things that she buys. I don't feel bad about, but it makes a lot of sense if you think about it.

Yeah! We have these people we look up to and respect- the idea of being able to do anything to get a little bit closer to them, if we just have some of the things they have... I think it totally makes sense.

And sometimes, you think “my life sucks, I wish I had her life- at least I can have her things.” But then, for example, in this interview (which is fictional), I imagine someone buying something to be more like this actress, and the next moment she sees another interview where she talks about feeling guilty for being a mother hating everything. I just imagine this person saying "I wanted to be you! But I don't actually want to be who you are."

Celebrity worship is definitely an interesting concept. We see one aspect of people, and idolize them. But they're just people, also just experiencing life the same way we are.

That's the most we can do all the time. I think it's almost inevitable- celebrity worship. Even intellectual people who 'don't like celebrities' are always worshiping some thinker, or something.

Oh yeah, there's always somebody. Is there anything else you want to talk about?

I liked this. I felt like making work based on the work of this other person really made sense to me, but it was hard because there was maybe more responsibility. It made sense making part of a bigger thing.

Do you have any advice for someone else doing this?

This time, I got stuck in things I thought it were ‘better’ for me to talk about- text messages and covid. It took a lot of energy and time, and it was useless. If you can, feel free to really feel the work you're receiving, and see where it takes you. Feel free to touch it, work with it, and don't think you need to do something just because the other person did.

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Gabriela Rocha is a brazilian writer living in São Paulo. She has been a lawyer and a journalist who nowadays writes and works as a freelancer reviewer and editor. Gabriela is a feminist and mother of a girl.