Becoming Mother: Studies in Birth and Detritus

Adrianne Mathiowetz

Interview by L. Valena

Can you describe what you responded to?

I responded to a poem that was titled 'Maple Seed Princess'. It was a poem about motherhood- a darker poem about motherhood. It was narrative- there was a story to it.

Where did it take you?

I've never actually created a photo with a certain intention in mind before, as crazy as that might sound. I'm a studio photographer, so you'd think that I would be very deliberate in what I do. I feel like a lot of what I do is kind of experimenting in the moment and seeing what happens. What I loved about the Bait/Switch concept was that in reacting to another artist's work, you have to be much more deliberate. It kinda forced me to have a plan and a vision, and go into it with an idea of the photo I wanted to create instead of just this kind of accidental happiness that usually happens for me. I read the poem and I kind of just mulled it over for a few days. I didn't have anything immediately pop into mind. I knew I didn't want to be literal about it. I didn't want there to be like a maple seed in it, or a little girl or anything like that. I didn't want to just illustrate the poem. I wanted it to kind of come from my own reaction to it- a more organic response. So I just kind of re-read the poem over a few days, and just thought about what imagery was coming into my mind. It was also convenient because it's a poem about motherhood, and I'm a recent mother.

Oh, congratulations!

Thank you. It's something that was already kind of on my mind. I liked that there's a playfulness to the poem, and there's also this kind of dark underbelly to the poem. At the end she talks about something that was done to her and lies that followed. This kind of secrecy, and it sounds like some kind of childhood trauma, and how maybe she's reminded of that when she sees her child. It got me thinking about motherhood as creation, but also as discarding old selves or trying to discard old selves. And things that we lose in motherhood that aren't intentional. Things that we liked about our old self that just kind of get lost in the birth of this new person.

I thought about that painting The Birth of Venus. It's this very confident, beautiful and strong image of this naked woman in this shell. Her hair is flowing all around her. It’s a vision of birth, and also kind of an image of motherhood for some reason, I think because she's a grown woman. Versus kind of this darker underside. Birth is very messy, and what comes out is not a fully formed person, but that's kind of like a crying pastry- a very fragile, crying pastry. A lot of the anxiety that I felt as a brand new mom, and I know that many other mothers feel like this. You're just kind of constantly watching to make sure that this person is still breathing. It feels like at any moment they could just die.

Yeah- that's a lot of anxiety.

Right, right. It's hard to sleep. My husband and I just took shifts sleeping because I felt like he needed to be watched at every moment to make sure that he stayed alive. I didn't realize that that was actually like a disorder- I thought that was natural. Oh my God, this thing is so fragile- you need to watch it.

I mean, to be fair, I think that that would be my natural inclination as well. I don't think that's crazy at all. I really love this idea of casting away old selves through this process and integrating new parts of yourself. Can you say more about that?

Yes. [Baby sounds in the background] Sorry- I'm just adjusting this person.

Oh! What's the person's name?

Oh, this is Eli. He is 10 months old. So I've had some time now to kind of readjust to the new reality. I feel like, going into parenthood, nobody knows what that means and what your life is gonna look like. All you know is that everyone tells you it's going to be very different. That you're going to have to give up things that you didn't think you would have to give up. Even just with sleep deprivation, you kind of become a different person. It feels a little bit like you're on drugs. I remember, I think day 10 or something, we'd been on this crazy, up-all-night jag. I was like, "Wow, it's amazing- I haven't gotten more than two hours of sleep for the past 10 days, and I feel totally fine."  And then I suddenly went, "Whoa, am I covered in spiders? Oh no. That was just a shadow." That's not a normal thing to think or feel. Even just little things like that, that are physical. Of course, a lot of motherhood and the way that we change is physical.

As an artist, a big concern that I had was that I would stop producing art. I did have to for a while just because of physical limitations. It was nice to have that not go away, but even kind of be inspired by the process of motherhood. It's almost like, you know how when you're creating a lot, it kind of inspires you to create more? It felt like creating a person was its own artistic act. That makes it sound really selfish. Oh, I made this thing. I successfully made a thing that makes me want to make other things. In that way, it was born and created with him. And in other ways I have lost a lot of things. I don't really have even a half hour of uninterrupted time anymore. And obviously that affects artistic process and also just life. Things I would normally do. I used to be a night owl and now I have to kind of go to bed at 8:00 PM because he gets up at six. My whole process really had to change. I was thinking about how to visually represent that.

I wound up taking Eli to the beach on this very cold spring day, and just kind of looking around for stuff that had been sitting on the beach all winter and had been washed up who knows how long ago. Things that were just kind of sitting under snow or getting peed on by dogs or whatever, but still cool, beautiful objects. Interesting things that had once housed sea creatures or had once been part of a tree, and incorporating those into the photo. Initially I was thinking I was just looking for a single shell and that I would recreate kind of the Aphrodite look, but in a darker, more garbage pail way. But, then I wound up finding other objects and I really liked as well. When I tried to do the naked person in the background, with a shell, it just didn't flow together as well as I wanted it to. The twig wound up being the more natural choice.

I think that it's such a striking image and, um, I never would have thought of the Birth of Venus. But now that you say that, of course that's there. I think it's really cool when references like that can be in the work and seem and be clear, but not obvious. You know what I mean?

Right- it's more on a subconscious level.

Yeah, exactly. So, so you have a shell, a twig and a pine cone. Is there more significance to those things for you than simply the fact of the detritus?

Not really. I liked that there were tree elements in there, so they kind of called back to the imagery in the poem. And that there's kind of like the Jewish tree of life- there's that imagery as well. And then the shell obviously calling back to the painting. But no, it was mostly just wanting to go on a cool little nature walk with Eli and seeing what beautiful things we found that were just kind of underfoot.

I love the idea of childbirth being an artistic experience. I think that that's really cool and really powerful and there's nothing selfish about that. Just wipe that away. I don't know if I'll ever have children, but I know that part of what I fear about it is the idea that you have to give up your artistic expression. That may be a factor keeping me from it. 

It certainly did for me for a long time. And I think some people do, but I almost kind of feel like those people would have found another excuse. A kid is just another excuse in your life full of excuses as to why you're not writing your novel or whatever.

Right. If it's not the kid, it's because you've got too many parking tickets or your favorite show is on. Is there anything else that you have to say about this process or about this piece?

This is maybe like an asshole thing to say, but I was nervous when I saw that it was a poem because I'm snooty about poetry and what I consider good poetry and what poems I enjoy reading. And I was so excited that I loved this poem. It was such a pleasure to react to this poem because I just felt like it hit this great balance of mystery and accessibility and beautiful imagery that didn't feel corny. It's funny- I didn't realize it would be anonymous. So it was like, "Oh, I love this and I have no idea who created it."

Do you have any advice for someone else doing this?

I guess both have fun with it and to strive to... I mean, I can't imagine an artist not respecting the original artist's work. That's kind of the point of it, right? At first I was worried that that would stress me out about it. Like, "Oh, I need to do justice to this other person's artwork. I can't just like mess around and create something shitty." I feel like the fun and the respect kind of go hand in hand. I want to do the best I can, which is going to be the most fun I can have with it. It's not fun to create bad work anyways.

I think there is some piece about trusting yourself there, and to just enjoy the process.

Yeah, exactly. That's, that's a much more concise way of putting it.

Call Number: Y27PP | Y29VA.maBe

Adrianne Mathiowetz is a studio portrait and documentary photographer, and is a staff photojournalist for hyper-local magazine Scout Somerville. She is a photo graduate of The Salt Institute of Documentary Studies, and her work has appeared in The New York Times, Wired, Bust, The Guardian, Vice, The Boston Globe, Fast Company, Forbes, the Star Tribune, amongst others. She lives in Medford, MA with her serious husband, hilarious son, and two perpetually starving cats.

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